How to be calm on dates

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This has been debated over and over again by many. And we get all kinds of responses from that. But one type of answer that has always echoed from the professionals from all over the world is - it doesn’t matter what you say.

One common issue that has plagued guys who are getting started in dating is the ability to have an organic and fun conversation with women. Ironically, they seem to be able to handle themselves well whilst with male peers, being able to make funny comments and joke with other guys. But things start falling apart when they are engaged one on one with another woman. If this is something you can relate to, do read on. 

After speaking to the guys with these issues, we have identified that the issue does not reside with conversation skill – as they are able to do well with a male-oriented environment. The issue seems to be rooted towards the ‘meaning’ and ‘purpose’ of the conversation. The objective during a date is to build rapport and attraction with the woman sitting across from us. But behaving ‘rigid’ or uptight would have the opposite effect.

It is true that for guys, we handle the responsibility of making her laugh, continuing the conversation and also putting our best foot forward during the date. These are not possible when we freeze up and are worried about what we should say next. 

The main factor that causes this issue is the ‘meaning’ we put into the conversation. As if one wrong step and the entire conversation would fall apart and she would continue to hate us all throughout the evening. This in turn, places the woman on a pedestal, whereby the idea of ‘not offending her’ causes us to be tense and not voice our opinions. 

Men are bombarded by the idea that women are princesses to the society around us and we are ‘men’ to conform to those ideas. From hollywood movies, Disney films, games, advertisements to storybooks, we have been taught that women are sacred beings to be worshiped and men are encouraged to do everything in our power to appeal to their needs, wants and desires. We have been shown that women can do no wrong, no evil and should be treated in the nicest of ways. As is the way ‘men’ should behave when interacting with women to earn their love, respect and approval.  

We see this in common pop culture.

Think of a time when you have watched a show, movie or animation whereby the woman character is the one getting amputated, beheaded or having her bones broken? Sure, when it is to draw empathy from the audience. It is placed more on a ‘plot point’ to stir the efforts of the people around to take action then for herself to right that wrong. 

The most direct way this has been depicted can be found in the 2010 film ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. the World’. 

Whereby the protagonist ‘Scott’ was seen literally fighting the exes of the girl he is currently dating. And the way he has to win her approval is to be better than the rest of her exes. The film has depicted that for us (men) to win the approval of a woman’s heart is to be better than the rest of the partners she has been with. And at the end of the day, she is the prize to be won. 

What if we were to say that women want to be in a relationship with a man as much as we do with women? Would it be that much of a scare that women do want sex as much as men do? Women are humans too, they have the same kinds of urges, succumb to the same fears and have the same needs and wants as men do. They fall sick, go to the toilet, get put on hold while on customer support and also have to wait in lines just like the rest of us. 

Rather than being calm, relaxed and enjoying the moment. Some guys act in rigid, tense and calculative manners while interacting with women. Which results in the outcome they try so hard to avoid. Instead, try to remain calm. Keep in mind that women are humans too, no matter how attractive they look or how confident they are. Everyone has some level of insecurity and anxiety. The mere reason they are out on a date with you is because they are also seeking to find a potential partner, they are as much in need of a companion as you are!

It is easier said than done. We have to be comfortable with who we are, our values and our identity. During the date, it is important to have a nice engaging conversation whilst putting our best foot forward and at the same time show who we are as a person. Keep in mind that she is not a princess that you have to appease, rather another human being also in the pursuit of seeking a companion in her life. She has as much to lose by speaking the wrong words or offending you. 

Dating is a two way street whereby both parties are trying to figure out if the person at the opposite side of the table suits their lifestyle and if they can spend more time together. A trick we suggest is to be ready with a sequence of ‘canned’ conversations during a date. This is to be used when conversations are running dry and when you want to jump to another topic. Since these are prepared prior to the date, you can already formulate your responses to these open-ended questions. This should keep you calm and ready, whilst steering the conversation in a positive direction. 

Keep in mind that not all dates are going to go perfectly according to plan. It is up to us to structure the date and the conversation, but also be flexible to adapt to conversations. At first, things might seem scary, but after having more experience, it will seem like a walk in the park. The good news is that we don’t need to appease every woman we get on a date with, most people might not clique well with us. But it is more important to know where we stand in a relationship and keep our self worth in check. 

Dating coaches can assist you in navigating stormy waters and building confidence while dating. If you need help with finding the one, or if you want to take your dating to the next level, CGull is the place to go. Our dating coaches offer the best dating courses and provide our clients with tailored solutions to their dating career!

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