“Confidence is sexy”, that is a term heard worldwide by women. In fact, it is one of the highest sought after attributes for a woman when looking for a partner.
Though one common misconception of confidence is the idea of ‘acting’ confident then you will ‘be confident’. This is utterly untrue, and it can be really damaging. I am not saying not to present oneself in a confident manner, but rather true confidence comes from within a person.
In courtship, we hear of women constantly giving the men that they are dating – tests. And it is important for them to do so. She needs to know that the guy she is with is an authentic and trustworthy person, the tests are ways she tries to go deeper within to check out who he truly is and if he will crack under pressure.
Confidence can be expressed in many different ways, but here are some common outward signs that a person is confident.
- Body language: Confident people often stand tall, make eye contact, and move with purpose.
- Communication style: Confident people tend to speak clearly and concisely and are comfortable expressing their opinions.
- Assertiveness: Confident people are often assertive and are not afraid to speak up for themselves.
- Ability to handle stress: Confident people tend to handle stress and challenges well and remain calm under pressure.
- Positive attitude: Confident people have a positive outlook and are optimistic about their abilities and the future.
- Comfort in social situations: Confident people are often comfortable in social situations and can easily engage in conversation with others.
- Keep in mind, these are general observations and not every confident person will display all these behaviors. It’s also possible for someone to seem confident on the surface but still have insecurities or self-doubt.
Confidence is not given, it is earned. And confidence can not be faked. It is an attribute whether you have it or not.
Imagine being tasked to go on stage in an hour to sing a couple of songs for 30 minutes. Or having to dance on stage by yourself to entertain a crowd of 500 people for the next 30 minutes. Would you generally be confident to do so? Unless you are a professional dancer or singer that have done this on a weekly or daily basis, chances are that none of us are really confident to perform.
Or imagine your confidence in sex with a woman. How would you behave if this was your 100th woman you have slept with, and the past 99 all had an amazing experience with you that they all have their minds blown all evening? You would feel pretty confident right? But what if this was your first time in bed with a woman and you are her 100th partner? What would your confidence level be like? (This is not the time to pull out what you’ve learnt from all the years of watching porn, though it can be a good start)
In the above scenarios, it is the experience that generates confidence. I would also say the amount of time spent doing the specific ‘craft’ is what generates the confidence in that craft. This can be technical skills such as engineering, drawing or dancing. Soft skills such as teaching, sales, counseling or leadership. Things such as spending quality time one on one with a person compared to speaking to a group of people are also considered skills. It takes a different approach to connect one on one compared to connecting with a group with a lot of energy, both of which takes time and effort to build the effectiveness and confidence in both domains.
Having spent time around confident people, you will notice that their confidence is not something that they generally switch on or switch off. You can sense it from being around them. It can be that they have a goal or grand purpose that they wish to fulfill that is stemmed from a very deep foundation. Their language and opinions are usually very grounded with a strong sense of meaning that they had worked out long ago and they live their lives in line to this purpose. When communicating with these people, you can sense their reasoning all worked out, and they are able to conceive of ideas that they have thought out rather than ‘taught’ by others.
It is not the suit, the job status and the money that gives these confident people confidence. But rather their confidence awarded them these results, such as the job, the money and the social credibility. The scenario is flipped and it is not a ‘chicken-or-the-egg’ scenario. We can not look at the outward signs of confidence and aim to mirror that. Things such as putting on a suit, driving a big car and having the money are just dividends and byproducts of confidence. To achieve success with women and to have the confidence is to have the experience.
Confidence is a belief in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment. Gaining confidence can be achieved through several ways, including:
- Practice and preparation: The more you do something, the more confident you will become in your abilities to do it well.
- Positive self-talk: Replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations can improve your self-esteem and boost your confidence.
- Overcoming fear: Confidence grows when you confront and overcome your fears and insecurities.
- Learning from failures: Instead of dwelling on failures, view them as opportunities to learn and grow, which will increase your confidence.
- Surrounding yourself with positive people: Being around supportive and encouraging people can have a significant impact on your confidence.
Remember, confidence is a skill that can be developed and improved over time with consistent effort and practice. So take close attention to the people you spend your most time with, the hobbies that you keep and the routines you have in your daily lives. These are hours in your life that you are honing your crafts into, and these crafts are the ones that you select to be confident in. Speaking to people and building rapport is also a skill that in time – can build confidence.
For women, confidence can be an indicator of their abilities. But this can be ‘faked’, and a more experienced woman can tell if it is faked or not. Dr Jordan Peterson has a good take on guys faking confidence as an attempt for women to like them. You can watch the snippet of that talk in the video here.